TEN TIPS FOR WHEN YOU'RE HOME SICK
When you are sick, don’t watch the nightly news. If you do, in addition to your current illness, you will wind up developing an ulcer. Also, don’t view Stranger Things when you’re feverish. You will regret it, unless you are the sort of person who dropped LSD during college years.
Do watch The Princess Bride. Amuse yourself by shouting out the lines as the actors say them. Here are a few: “You’re trying to kidnap what I’ve rightfully stolen.” and “Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today.”
Don’t want to watch TV? How about getting yourself some finger puppets? They will provide endless entertainment. You can perform musicals and sing all the different parts. You can arrange various puppet tableaux (Puppets Frolicking at a Wedding Feast and Puppets in Antarctica, Observing the Ice Melt). And, if your fever gets high enough, those bits of plastic will begin generating their own dialogue, ushering you into completely unexplored territory.
No finger puppets handy? Draw a face on your knee. Place a cloth hat on it. Your kneecap will look like an adorable humanoid. Film your knee while singing, Way Down South in the Yankety-Yank. Watch the clip several times. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll forget that you are sick.
Trouble relaxing? Go to YouTube and search for: delta wave, sleep music. The videos with “hypnotic” in the title are especially effective. Don’t worry about the ensuing bizarre dreams. Embrace them. Perhaps The Universe is sending you a message.
Are you on cold medicine or painkillers? Stay away from Amazon. Do not purchase big-ticket items while your brain is in an altered state. You will regret it, just as I am now regretting my BackJoy Trigger Point Massager.
Do you have a respiratory illness? Do your lungs need pulmonary conditioning? Get a kazoo and toot out camp songs like Kumbayah or If You’re Happy and You Know It. For a more robust challenge of your pipes, try playing St. Louis Blueson a trumpet.
When people ask how you’re doing, are you afraid of boring them? Bore them no more. Respond with a line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Declare in a British accent, “I’m not dead yet!” Or, find a way to include these Monty Python quotes into your every day conversation: 1) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. 2) I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK. 3) Help! Help! I’m being repressed!
On the other hand, are you sad that no one seems to care how you’re doing? Pour out your soul to your dog or cat. They’ll never offer unwanted advice. But, don’t drone on too long or they may sigh and amble out of the room, just as my heartless golden doodle did the other day.
If you are the rare person who finds none of these tips helpful, perhaps you can avoid infection by wearing a Hazmat suit whenever you leave home. Regardless, as we all slog through this germy winter, I wish you good luck and Godspeed. May The Force be with you.
